I guess I should explain why it’s been awhile since I have written anything.
But, I wont.
Tomorrow is the day that I finally make the move across the state to my new college. Dont get me wrong, I am super pumped to finally be there. But, theres something about tonight that is holding me back from excitement. Maybe its the fact that because of this move I have to shell out $2,000 to pay for an apartment I wont be living in and then pay $390 a month for the apartment I am living in. Which means, at least 80 hours a month (with no wiggle room in my budget) on top of my classes and any outside organizations that I wish to join. Or maybe, its the idea of moving into an apartment with three girls that I have never met before. If I wasn’t anxious already. Maybe, its because tonight I had to hug my Dad goodbye AGAIN and I’m not sure when I will be seeing him next. That broke my heart completely. But, it could also be because my four year old brother is growing up without his sissy around. He always asks me to come visit and he tells Mommy that he wants Katie to come over. If that alone doesnt make a girl want to stay home then I dont know what does. But, most of all, tonight I realized that I was seventeen going into college. I wasn’t even legally an adult. Yet, I was told to act like one. Now, I’m 19 sitting at home crying because I dont think I can take another semester of stress, anxiety and sleep deprevation not to mention the extreme depression brought on by college and the lack of my family.
College isnt at all what it was cracked up to be. Every day is a battle to train yourself to not stress or get anxious. Consistantly telling yourself that it’ll all be better.
Personally, I am tired of trying to get better. I am not a super hero. So, I will sit here and cry and eat some chocolate and drink some coffee and watch Shameless. Because tonight, I am not a super hero. Tonight, I am an overworked, anxious, stressed out college student who doesn’t have much longer to not be a super hero.
Side note, you are never alone. Don’t feel like you have to go through things alone. Don’t feel like you can’t ask anyone for help. Don’t feel like you have to keep it together all the time. Let yourself be sad, eat chocolate, drink wine, do what you have to do. But, let yourself feel those emotions and then let yourself move on. Tomorrow is another day.
If you read this far, thank you for listening to me let out my emotions in the best way I know how.
~ Katie ❤