Working Hard Against Yourself

This isnt a blog for the common reader, or really a blog for any reader. This is more of a blog for myself. If you choose to read then I will greatly appreciate you for that, but if not,  then I wouldn’t blame you. It’ll probably be a ramble or just a page full of me trying to make a point that I never actually get too.

***Update: I made a point. You just have to search.

Today I realized something that has dramatically changed the outlook of myself.

Today I realized that yes, I am working hard but I am working hard against myself.

What I do on the daily is not beneficial to myself. I’ve been working so hard for so long but I have been pushing in the wrong direction. I have been pushing to be a people pleaser, to be a person that other people want to be around, a person that will make other people happy. When in reality, I should have been pushing to find myself, pushing to make myself happy, pushing to be a person that I want to be around.

I work to make other people proud of me instead of working to make myself proud.

I work to make others like me instead of working to make me like me.

I dont have a negative physical outlook on myself, I have a negative emotional outlook on myself.

I’m not the person I use to be. I use to be proud, confident and strong. Now, I am never good enough. I lost the person I was because I was focusing on the lifes of others.

Today I realized that I need to make a change.

Today I realized that I will never be good enough for the people around me. But, I can be good enough for myself.

I can be confident in my large, loud and obnoxious personality.

I can be confident in my overly annoying abundant amount of love I have for others.

I can be proud of my weaknesses and proud of my struggles. Because I know that no matter what the only person I have to make happy is myself.

I know that no matter what I am strong enough and I will always be strong enough to pull myself through.

I know that no matter how little I may be in comparison to the rest of the world, I have a HUGE purpose.

And I will never reach that purpose without loving who I am. Annoying, obnoxious, overbearing, loving, caring and compassionate.

Never stop fighting to find yourself.

Just make sure you’re working, pushing and fighting for yourself and not against yourself.

You are strong. You are beautiful. You are UNIQUE.

I am Beautifully and Confidently me.

You are Beautifully and Confidently you.

“She is clothed in strength and dignity and laughs without fear of the future” Proverbs 31:25

 

You Dont Have to be a Super Hero

I guess I should explain why it’s been awhile since I have written anything.

But, I wont.

Tomorrow is the day that I finally make the move across the state to my new college. Dont get me wrong, I am super pumped to finally be there. But, theres something about tonight that is holding me back from excitement. Maybe its the fact that because of this move I have to shell out $2,000 to pay for an apartment I wont be living in and then pay $390 a month for the apartment I am living in. Which means, at least 80 hours a month (with no wiggle room in my budget) on top of my classes and any outside organizations that I wish to join. Or maybe, its the idea of moving into an apartment with three girls that I have never met before. If I wasn’t anxious already. Maybe, its because tonight I had to hug my Dad goodbye AGAIN and I’m not sure when I will be seeing him next. That broke my heart completely. But, it could also be because my four year old brother is growing up without his sissy around. He always asks me to come visit and he tells Mommy that he wants Katie to come over. If that alone doesnt make a girl want to stay home then I dont know what does. But, most of all, tonight I realized that I was seventeen going into college. I wasn’t even legally an adult. Yet, I was told to act like one. Now, I’m 19 sitting at home crying because I dont think I can take another semester of stress, anxiety and sleep deprevation not to mention the extreme depression brought on by college and the lack of my family.

College isnt at all what it was cracked up to be. Every day is a battle to train yourself to not stress or get anxious. Consistantly telling yourself that it’ll all be better.

Personally, I am tired of trying to get better. I am not a super hero. So, I will sit here and cry and eat some chocolate and drink some coffee and watch Shameless. Because tonight, I am not a super hero. Tonight, I am an overworked, anxious, stressed out college student who doesn’t have much longer to not be a super hero.

Side note, you are never alone. Don’t feel like you have to go through things alone. Don’t feel like you can’t ask anyone for help. Don’t feel like you have to keep it together all the time. Let yourself be sad, eat chocolate, drink wine, do what you have to do. But, let yourself feel those emotions and then let yourself move on. Tomorrow is another day.

If you read this far, thank you for listening to me let out my emotions in the best way I know how.

~ Katie ❤

 

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Today is going to be a short post (well it started as short) on what it was like trying to decide to transfer schools.I.E. Should I stay or should I go? lol Yes that is totally a song reference and yes it reminds me of Stranger Things every time I say it. Which, by the way, if you haven’t watched I strongly recommend watching it and powering through the first two episodes, I swear it gets better.

Back to the topic, what was it like deciding to transfer schools. I fell in love with my current school when I was a Senior in High School. We will call this school Apple University or AU for short. I’m not really sure what happened or when exactly I fell in love. But, I do remember that my amazing, beautiful and loving mother of mine took me on a tour to AU and stuck out the annoying walking all around campus. I fell in love with that moment with my Momma more than anything else. I was finally a grown up, a big kid, I was officially a College student! I remember my Mom told me that I could go anywhere I wanted and she wanted me to be happy. That’s when I fell in love with AU. When my Mom told me that she would help me to achieve my dreams and no matter what, I could go there. So, I did. I chose AU and I loved the school, until I got here. I tried and tried to fall in love with AU like I did on that tour. But the passion was no longer there. I blamed my falling out of love on the person that I had also fallen out of love with. But, as I grew and got over it, I was still not in love with AU like I was before.

(P.S. Shout out to my Mom! She has been my rock through College and has always helped me to achieve my greatest potential. If it wasn’t for her working her ass off to keep me at AU, I would have never realized that I could strive better somewhere else. Thank you Momma for sacrificing yourself, your time and your money on helping me succeed.)

By the time I left AU for summer, I was in a committed and loving relationship. My boyfriend just so happens to go to the school that I am transferring too. And no, he is not the reason I am transferring. We will call my new school Banana or BU for short. During my freshman year at AU, I visited BU a lot to see my Boyfriend. Due to us being rivals, I did not want to admit I loved the school. Instead, I fought it will all my might and called my Mom crying every time I had to come back to AU. I did not want to leave. I never wanted to leave. However, I sucked it up and refused to admit I loved BU.

My Sophomore year rolled around and I came back to AU with a positive attitude. The long distance relationship didn’t bother me anyhow. It was the first visit to BU that got to me. I had the most fun that I had ever had in my college career at BU. I made friends and developed a life that I never thought imaginable for myself. I called my mom crying my entire drive back home. And the crying never stopped. I was miserable. It got to the point that my mom wanted me to see a therapist, but I refused. I convinced myself that I was going to be okay. And I tried. I fought for weeks to try and feel the love for AU that I had felt previously. But, with every visit to BU my depression got worse. It finally got to the point that I couldn’t handle it anymore. I looked into BU and the degrees that I could get there. To my surprise, they actually have an amazing Pre-law track that I could be on while pursuing my Education major. It was then that I made the decision to leave.

The process was LONG and extraordinarily difficult, but, I have no doubt in my mind that it will be worth it. I have been so much happier since my decision to move and I cannot wait to officially be a BU student.

So, Should I stay or Should I go? If you’re asking yourself this question than ask yourself the following too:

Will transferring benefit me mentally, physically, emotionally or academically?

*If you answered yes, look into new schools. Mental and Emotional health is, in my opinion, the most important thing in a person’s life. If you are not mentally or emotionally healthy then it is almost impossible to enjoy your life. Plus, the many other issues that can arise from weakened mental/emotional health. I’ll save that for another post.

Am I truly happy or am I faking it?

*I think this one is self-explanatory.

Am I staying because of what others might say?

*Answering yes to this question can be rather difficult. No one honestly likes to admit that they aren’t doing something because of other people. However, it is SO common for people to not want to be judged and that is completely natural. Just think about this: Don’t let yourself be miserable because you don’t want others to judge you. It is not their life. They don’t have to like what you’re doing. The only person that matters is yourself. Own it.

In the end, it really doesn’t matter why you decide to leave your current school or even situation. You don’t owe anyone an explanation. If you leave because somewhere else makes you more happy then hell go! Leave! Enjoy your life! You only get to be young once and life is too precious to be wasted on a shitty place.

If anyone wants to know more about my personal transfer, or if anyone wants to talk about their situation. Please feel free to comment! I love to talk about myself, i.e. this blog. lol, no. But really, I do love to help others and if there is anyway that I can please feel free to ask!

Much love,

Katie (: